So yesterday, Gav and i got to go to Universal Studios with a friend. We had the BEST day! We got to hold a 3yr old orangutan and a baby monkey (smile) It was sooooooooooo cool. Archie, the orangutan, got a time-out while we were playing and had to sit on the floor, criss-cross applesause and fold his hands. Gav did the same thing and sat right next to him!! We took pictures and when i get them in the computer i will try to figure out how to get it over here. I better call Allison (smile).

The only problem with Universal is that it is ‘Halloween’ every day of the year and my son is NOT into it. As much as that kid wears his costumes, God forbid anyone else puts one on, let alone get paid for it. At one point i guess a mummy decided that he would be ‘cute’ and try to scare me? gav? i do not know exactly, but luckily my girlfriend saw him first and and her boyfriend deflected the guy. The mummy was not to thrilled by being deflected but really!!! You should have seen the panic on Gavin’s face when he saw a character 2 blocks away, let alone one coming up and scaring the crap out of him!

Such a good day though and totally needed. I am sooooo tired of being stuck in bed and i needed some time with my boy. I swear he can talk more than me! hahaha It is like he is part girl or something and he needed to use all of his words up before he went to bed…. hillarious… my girlfriend kept looking at me and laughing because he could not stop talking… not just asking questions… but talking… He really needs some more testosterone i am not kidding!! hahahha

good day!!

i am just gonna vent….

I hate being sick all the time… i hate that i have to pass my son off to the entire world because i a am unable to take care of him. I hate that Tim is gone because he should be here to pick up the slack!! I hate that his son goes to bed crying because his father is missing out on his life…… i hate that the people in his life that make promises to him don’t know how to fulfill those promises…. i hate that life sucks and realizing that my son has to know this at 5yrs old and at every level imaginable….. ………….. i hate that his little eyes are tainted and his innocence is lost so early…… he is soooo “old” for 5 and it is unfair!!!!!

BRING MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!!!!!! and i mean it this time……. do it to me fine! But do not take it out on his little heart……. his tears are to much to bear…. my pain is hard enough……..

OK… i could be wrong, so just take this as the ramblings of the wife of a film major. First of all, we saw ‘Blood Diamond’. That should explain everything right there. I ABSOLUTELY love anything based on a true story. I am also ‘Tim’s wife’. I have seen a thousand movies picked apart for the dumbest of reasons and can now not watch anything without looking for inconsistancies and such. ie, accents.. the way your hair stays wet in a scene.. if you have a tie on or not. It is very annoying actually.

Anyway, i am totally watching this movie and KNOWING that this is going on as we speak in these countries and my stomach is turning…. and i am listening to the music and getting into the plot…. the whole thing. Just like we are supposed to… and at the end of the movie i am hit with the realization as the ‘hip hop’ music is blaring to the credits… that it is such an oxymoron to have that playing!! We just had this movie based on a true story about death over diamonds and the people that wear them the most!!! HIP HOP players!!! The ‘bling’ masters are blaring their music over the credits!!! Is it just me?? or does that seem kind of odd to anyone else??

just a thought…….

You should see the mountain of presents that are overflowing my coffetable this very minute. It is amazing that it is for only one child AND that same child just had a birthday! I am wondering honestly, where am i going to put all of these things??

Anyway, i have one rule for my adorable little man. He has to hand out his presents first. Before he can open any of the gifts that have his name on them. … So, he passes all of his out with his goofy little grin and then he hands one to me??? Well, considering that i did not buy one for myself, i was a little confused. His face was lit up and he could not wait for me to see what was inside. Apparently he had picked this out all by himself several weeks before AND kept it a secret. (so proud) I got it open and it is this square, etched glass and metal jewelry box. It has a heart etched in it and he thought that i would NEED that one. Big kisses, dozens of presents and hours later we were driving home and Gavin decided to tell me the REAL reason that i needed that ‘box’. ….. Sorry, i need a minute even now to gather myself. “Mom, i got that for you because you need a place to put your rings that daddy gave you when you got married.” …….. He kept talking but i could not hear him…. my eyes were full and i was trying my best to not ruin his moment…. My rings have been in my dresser since almost???? almost right after. So i have no idea where he gets these things from. …….. but when we got home we got the rings out and he put them in the box… “they look soooo beautiful mommy. Aren’t you glad that i got that for you?” How can you not be? It is so innocent.

My son IS amazing…. my present is him…..

Can’t sleep…. What sucks about that, is that about 2 hours ago i could not keep my eyes open, but i had to drive home… sooooo now i am so completely awake that i have been on the omputer for ??? almost 2 hours!!

I had a great day though. Spent it down in the ‘OC’ and that is always a good thing. The best part of that is that Dan gave Mia and i several hours of just ‘us’ time. …. It was so great and sooooo needed. (smile) We had such a good time today. They made me laugh so much it was hilarious. On top of that, i have had the radio or cd’s on almost constantly since i opened my eyes this morning… I LOVE when that happens. Words just seem to fit…. and the music itself seems to soothe me, loud or soft. Well, louder is almost always better. Drum beats you know

Another interesting thing that happened today… more often than not lately. My boy asks about his daddy’s accident. Wants to know the whole thing. The girls name, where it was exactly, and what really did happen to daddy? Great conversation for a 2 hour drive. So is he mad at this girl? Not a chance. “why would i be mad at her? she didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident.” But now he knows her name…… and on the way home, 12 hours later i might add, “why do people have to die?”…. “i was just looking up in the sky at daddy and wondering about it”

I love him….

My heart aches for his little heart…..

I had the best day with my son on Friday. He made me smile the whole day!! I swear that kid has the greatest personality of all time. His sense of humor has been there ever since he could crawl. Tim and i used to comment on it all the time, wondering what he would turn out to be like when he got older. ……. I wish Tim could see him now….. just sit back and watch his sons mind work just as his does … or hear his dry humor as if Tim himself were the one talking….

I can see Tim’s face….. his half grin… as he watches his son, so full of pride. “student of the month…. for kindness!” ………… I can see Tim!! He knows that that is HIS son! you know?

…. and who else asks the questions that that kid asks? Seriously, i just talked to Gina because Gavin wants to know who the Devil is.. and not just a random explanation either. It can not be by me. It has to be done at church on sunday!! He is soooo weird! I guess only Gina and the Bridge or Uncle Greg will have the appropriate response to that question. …

Totally fine with me. I still have to deal with everything else. Like, “why did Jesus and God take daddy from us?” or…. “when are you going to get a boyfriend so that you can get married again?” This is the best part.. “don’t worry, when you get married again. He will not replace my daddy. I just need a new one” OK, who is this kid? and how old is he again? …. So, i will gladly pass off one question to the church.. so that i can handle the rest of them…. i don’t think i will get too much slack for that one.

I took him to see that new movie …ummmm Eragon, friday night. He loved it of course, dragons hellloooooo! There is this psycho guy in it with red hair. He is called a ’shade’. Pretty much, he is Satan. hahahhaha or satans helper. Anyway, that just made me laugh. I wanted to tell Gavin that that was what the devil was like. Now i do not even know if i did. Oh crap!! My son could have nightmares forever because i am an idiot! ……. i must mot have told him or i would have been suffering those consequenses already. yeah! ….. ok, back to reality. haha totally cute movie. A little scary in sections. But my son sat through it. I know that does not say much (Jurassic Park) However, at the theatre and everything, he loved it and no nightmares.

It was a great end to a really good day with my son.

I am not sure what i should or should not write… my thoughts have not been pleasant for some time now which is why i have stayed away from this thing. I hate coming here when all i have to write about is saddness and despair.

Just know that i have spoken to someone and i trust this person dearly… i have been given sound avice and a direct order! One which i fully intend on following… well, if i don’t, it will be forced upon me anyway haha It is a good thing for me and about time so i welcome this whole heartedly. I know that you have no idea what i am talking about!! I am sorry for this but i am not ready to come to the world with my inner demons…. it was hard enough talking to the person i chose to talk to.. knowing that i will have to have that same conversation with a few others…. ……..

If there was just ONE thing that plagued me… maybe i could handle this season of my life… but there is not! And i can not……

I need your prayers because i feel that i can not………. well… i will leave it at that for now.. I just need your prayers. God knows what i need. Ask him… He will lead you…

My boy is 5 today. I can hardly believe how big he is sometimes. …. ‘i don’t feel like i am 5 today mom???’ sooooo cute. I thought that that did not happen to us until we were 16 or 30 or 60 even… haha. Then i show up to school to give him his birthday treat and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at school… blah blah blah .. and what happens when they all come sit at the table to sing?!?! Oh Yeah!! THE GIRLS!!!!! They allllllll come sittin around my boy. YEP… one of them puts her arm around him…. oh yeah… head on his shoulder… i looked at him, with his little crown on his head, surrounded by the ladies and i said ‘ok… that will be enough touching thank you’…. he just smiled. hahaha i almost died!!! His teacher sang the silly song and then took his picture. Yes, she did comment on the fact that he is always surrounded by the girls. Did i start this out by saying that he turned 5!!!!!! today?? Yeah, thank you TIM. Just what i needed. A kid as affectionate as me, charasmatic as you and apparently not that bad looking … set loose on the world!! Thanx…

All THAT aside hahahahhaha He has had a great birthday! We let the answering machine pick up all the birthday wishes so that he can listen to them over and over He got the Star Wars Trilogy from his auntie, hello!! He got a few games and a super cool dragon transformer that makes noises etc.. and then at the end of the night he ended up with … a glow in dark… dinosaur shirt!! oh yeah!! and dinosaur jammies!! You know he is wearing them right now… he even got these cool slipper socks that he will not take off because they have dinosaurs on them. The best part of this, is that we have not celebrated his birthday yet! haha. We are doing it on saturday with the family. These are just mommy gifts and a present in the mail.. and one super special friend gift. I can only imagine what saturday will bring.

He is sooo sweet. I have had the hardest time with him this week too. … and then he pulls out days like this where he comes down the hallway and says “mom!!!” .. yeah?… ” I love you” … and then “meow” which means i love you… completely out of nowhere!! suck up. jk … those eyes just melt me… i love him so much. ………. It amazes me how you can go from the crappiest days EVER to days like this, all because your son is THAT ??? perfect (for you/me)

God must feel that for us times a billion i am sure. Something that we can not fathom. But today i feel like …. i understand it a little better. All his disobediences fade away… yet not forgotten. Replaced by the sheer joy of his prescence. That he chose to leave what he was doing to come to ‘me’ just to say ‘i love you’…. i can only imagine the joy that God must feel when we stop what we consider important…. to turn to HIM and say “YOU are important to me and I LOVE YOU today”…. crazy thought huh? I wonder if it is true?

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams Lyrics
Artist(Band):Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But It’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish some one out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh-Ah
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines what’s
Fucked up and everything’s all right
Check my vital signs and know I’m still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh-Ah
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

I walk alone
I walk a…

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
When the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk a…

My shadow’s only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Tim’s favorite band…. his favorite song…. i have listened to this song a thousand and one times, at least. Today it had new meaning.

Have you ever read these words? I mean truly listened to this song and heard him sing ‘these’ words!! ….. Because today i felt them more than i have ever felt them before. The pain in my soul has become to much to bear . I am TIRED…. i am tired of failing those whom i love more than life!! I hate this road that i walk by myself…. i despise my shadow. It haunts me. My tears burn my eyes …. and the pain in my head cuts like knives…. uuuggghhh i HATE my head!!

I know that i am surrounded by people who love me… i just feel lost in that sometimes. Life happens…. tomorrow i will read this and not BELIEVE i wrote it…. but today…… i can’t deal…… and i should be allowed to vent it… at least on here if nowhere else.

There are times when i look at this place and love everything in it and can not imagine being anywhere else…. and then there are days that seem to stream together when i feel the need to ……… well, i do not know exactly. But this song certainly seems to fit. …… this house starts to overwhelm me again…. my loneliness creeps in… i feel like i am alone when i KNOW that i am not!! and yet i am at the same time…. my son gets to me easier than usual and i end up in tears over the stupidest of things…. and NO it is not that time of the month!!!!! As much as i hate when guys/or girls say that….. If only it were, i could explain away some of this maybe. Unfortunately, it is just life that is doing this. Or, yes, i am allowing it. However you want to word that. The point is, i fail and it is hard thing to look in the mirror and not like what you see looking back at you…. ………..watching the dreams that you had lived out in front of you ……. knowing that yours will never be….

Ok. I have one for you. What is worse than coming home to an empty house night after night??…. or even coming home after a wonderful holiday spent with the best of friends??… It is turning the corner on our street and seeing that driveway…. empty, again…..
It is my fault really this time… when my head has hurt for as long as it has recently. It takes a lot out of me and i can not get full control of my emotions… and WHY?? did i choose to take my husbands things out of the bathroom this week?? I mean HELLO!! It is Thanksgiving week. Do i not have enough to jack with my mind and heart? Then i go and finally remove the remnants of him from our bathroom!!!!!!! soooooo blonde!!
I spent the best day with the greatest of friends and their family. It really was a wonderful day. Only a few brief moments of ‘oh crap, i may loose it in front of these people’….. we watched this movie at the end of the night… nothing earth shattering really. But it tore at my heart for so many different reasons. I could not write them all down if i chose too. It was the songs more than anything else that got to me….. there is something about music. Something about the way a person can reach into your soul… decades after it is written or even sung for the first time.. to where the music KNOWS exactly where you are at, at the moment you are in it. Different for each person listening to it because each person has a different story….. yet, each soul has been touched… ……… it is an amazing thought…
We left soon after that… and in leaving, my friend checks to see if i am ok…. as a good friend does. Fighting back the urge to just crumble in the arms of a friend and cry for no ONE individual reason!! Knowing that to answer that question in truth would take hours of GOOD conversation. Uninterrupted by disciplining our children or putting them to bed or?? whatever else may come up…. ‘nothing that a nice long drive won’t cure’ is all i could say. With a chuckle and aknowledgement of our quirky similarities… we said our goodbyes and i began that drive……. i did ok until i turned that corner… and then as i pulled into the driveway… tears and uncontrollable sobbing came upon me like a floodgate had been opened… all the while texting that i got home safe and i love my friend…
I am begining to regret fixing our driveway… it is so big and empty now….. another reminder of things not to be…
…… However, as i sit and finish this that i had started so late last night… i do not wake to a feeling of saddness. I am full of love and joy for those around me. My friends who comfort me, those who just feel the need to make me laugh… and those that make me feel ’safe’ in any situation…
To you my friends… i will love you forever and i thank God for bringing you all into my life… whatever his reasons were/are…