Well, I think i am going a little crazy… i am having the most random and sudden gripping fears take hold at the most awkward of moments… you know, when you can almost feel your heart jump from your chest straight into your throat?! … and then it starts to hurt so badly that you can hardly breathe..

… I have been reading this CS Lewis book.. ‘A Grief Observed’… it is written in journal form about when his wife passed away… …. great book for me right? anyway, it is amazing the conversations that they had, the insights shared before she passed away. One of them had something to do with the sorrow between them that she was passing and that it was not fair, time was too short etc.. and she replied i believe, that ALL couples must face this at some point in their lives together. One of them will almost always be suffering before the other… someone always has to go first… in her case, it was just sooner than later.

I sat there in my car and all of a sudden my heart sank and then jumped into my throat just as fast!! I have already gone through that once… this whole time i have been telling myself, God did not make me to be alone. I hate being alone for one… and I can not handle this single mom thing forever but as i sat there pondering those words… all that came to mind was … CRAP!!! I don’t know if i could do that again??!!! …. and now what am i going to do? Ignore every chance that MIGHT come along for fear that it may get ripped away just at the peak of happiness?

My mind is racing and making no sense at all… none of this needs response… i just need to write it to get it out of my head…

This is what i get for reading…