This last week has been interesting for me because my mind has been all over the place. All of that alone time in the hospital could be a part of it i am sure… but the impending ‘date’ has more to do with it, i think.

Tim and i never celebrated Anniversaries or Birthdays… We were not even that into holidays, for the specific day that is. Too much family to have ‘1′ day for each thing… it always had to be spread out about 5 different times ever since i was little anyway. … We could not even remember when we first started dating!! We just wanted there to be ONE date to be celebrated … the day we were married. Not the day he proposed, which by the way i only remember because my sister made me something …… and we wanted to remember the birth of our children…

…Unfortunately God had other plans didn’t he…… the loss of one child has past already and that date will never be lost because it was my birthday…. and now i have another date to remember ….. 4/20/05…… we all know what this friday holds. So forgive my silence… forgive my tears… and just know that i am doing the best i can this year…

Tonight a friend asked “is it hard to watch as the rest of us go on with our lives?”… I am sitting here now as i did then, trying to come up with the answer that is on the tip of my tongue… because i have more than one. NO, it is not hard to watch the people that i love grow more and more in love with each other…. and watch their children grow… and yes it breaks my heart that my husband is missing it… I pick up my cell phone 100x a day to ask him a question or tell him something about his son.

……and then i drop it because a policeman is driving by hahaha

I love watching the all of you… and yes it hard… but one day i will get that again… and until then, i have all of you… and i love you for that…