There is something that Greg was talking about last night that …. well, i felt as if he was talking directly to ME. Don’t we all i guess when we know that we are not ‘right’ on our walks with God. ….. I have not been ‘right’ on mine for some time to be honest. I swear Greg was talking to me directly the entire service. It was as if his eyes were burning a whole right through me….
What did he say?? “allow ourselves to face ourselves… to be stripped” … now that is a scary thought. Who wants to honestly look at themselves in the mirror. I KNOW what will be looking back at me! God may forgive me… but have I forgiven myself?? That is the hardest thing to face… and i avoid it like the plague. I can forgive anyone for anything and have done so, rectently for that matter… but to do it for myself is a whole different story…

Oh yes, and “Who are we dependent on?” “do we trust bread alone?”…. “do not forget that it is my ‘presence’ that provides”… i think that i was beginning to forget that. The permanence of things setting in… my frustrations with life taking a hold of me and i was …… failing. Yep, i think that is the right word. I just allowed it all to get to me and … well i was failing…

The last part of it.. “will we abandon?” he equated that to impatience. Not waiting on God or the process… That is exactly what my struggle is right now. It is not that i need to know his plan… but i feel as though i have already been given the best that i am going to get in life… I was given my husband.. how can i expect to get better than that? ….. so i stop asking for things that can not come to pass…. which leads to not talking at all, which leads to …. failing… until you are reminded of what that means… until you are reminded that there is new growth in there just waiting to form…. that God never left… i just closed my eyes for a while….