Happy Anniversary Tim… I love you..

Well, I think i am going a little crazy… i am having the most random and sudden gripping fears take hold at the most awkward of moments… you know, when you can almost feel your heart jump from your chest straight into your throat?! … and then it starts to hurt so badly that you can hardly breathe..

… I have been reading this CS Lewis book.. ‘A Grief Observed’… it is written in journal form about when his wife passed away… …. great book for me right? anyway, it is amazing the conversations that they had, the insights shared before she passed away. One of them had something to do with the sorrow between them that she was passing and that it was not fair, time was too short etc.. and she replied i believe, that ALL couples must face this at some point in their lives together. One of them will almost always be suffering before the other… someone always has to go first… in her case, it was just sooner than later.

I sat there in my car and all of a sudden my heart sank and then jumped into my throat just as fast!! I have already gone through that once… this whole time i have been telling myself, God did not make me to be alone. I hate being alone for one… and I can not handle this single mom thing forever but as i sat there pondering those words… all that came to mind was … CRAP!!! I don’t know if i could do that again??!!! …. and now what am i going to do? Ignore every chance that MIGHT come along for fear that it may get ripped away just at the peak of happiness?

My mind is racing and making no sense at all… none of this needs response… i just need to write it to get it out of my head…

This is what i get for reading…

I have had an interesting last few days… i made it through friday fine. I mean, of course parts of it sucked. But really, i had great people around me for the day keeping me busy and holding my hand when tears started to flow…

The night ended well. I visited a dear friend on his birthday before heading over to Cookes for ‘Tim’s delight”. … Seriously, how they ate that all the time is beyond me!! First of all, chocolate!! eeeewwww, i just got the chills thinking about it again… gross!

Then we eneded up at Hush … yes, they took me dancing and i had a blast! Thank you very much!!

It is so weird for your emotions to go up and down like that all day… it is very draining. The next day i got to go see our Zac We just had lunch and caught up on life but.. it was good.

…. i’m totally getting sick… which NEVER happens! Headaches? yes. Sick? no. So i am to my end i think .. emotionally and physically. The last few days have SUCKED!! At least Jodie is still walking with me in the morning. We make each other walk on those days when we just really want to stay home.. But today, even walking can not shake my mood. I hate it when that happens. I run the rest of the day playing catch up with myself…

Tomorrow… tomorrow will be better. My cold will let up.. coughing will stop and i will have energy to really work out!!

tomorrow…

I just dropped off Gavin at school. I had to grab something from the house.. but if i did not write this one down i would totally forget and i have been laughing for about 5 minutes.

Ok. It is freezing outside… well for us poor beach dwellers that is. I am talking to Gav about how cold i am going to be on my morning walk and he says “that’s ok, don’t go”.. “YES!!” hahaha jk I explain to him that i have to go so mommy can get her work out. “Oh yeah, if you don’t go. You will get big and fat huh mommy?” hahaha “YEP” “and you will never get me a new daddy that way!” … as he turns to me with the biggest grin on the planet. Seriously, who’s kid is that???? …

So, i have to go now and get my but down to the beach.. so that my son can have the best chances possible… little turd!!

I have been doing that thing, where you drive someplace and can’t remember how you got there!!! …. kind of scary actually.. My mind just keeps wandering to the wierdest places and then tears just fall and it takes me out of whatever trance i have put myself in. … I found myself leaving Starbucks and coming out of ‘that’ street turning left!!!!!! ……looking right into my husbands face…. at that stupid place that i have to pass every single day. I barely ever look that way and i NEVER drive on the street that i have now found myself on… … and i am turning left!… my mind goes to Amanda and how has her life continued? Does this date mean anything to her at all? Or does it pass by as any other?… and then memories of that night come crashing down like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden i am hearing Greg ask Roger to pray and the poor man can not even breathe let alone get a prayer out… and somewhere i hear words.. i am speaking… words i will never remember… but i know that we prayed for her that night. That she would not suffer… and that she would find some peace… knowing that she took a life. …… I wonder, has she found some peace? Does she hide her pain as i try to hide mine? ……

Cars are passing in front of me… an endless amount coming from both directions. I tried to understand her frustration that day. At the same time, my eyes are welling up and i can barely see. Can these cars move so that i may just get out of this spot?? …….

I pray that we all find peace in our hearts about that day. ….

This last week has been interesting for me because my mind has been all over the place. All of that alone time in the hospital could be a part of it i am sure… but the impending ‘date’ has more to do with it, i think.

Tim and i never celebrated Anniversaries or Birthdays… We were not even that into holidays, for the specific day that is. Too much family to have ‘1′ day for each thing… it always had to be spread out about 5 different times ever since i was little anyway. … We could not even remember when we first started dating!! We just wanted there to be ONE date to be celebrated … the day we were married. Not the day he proposed, which by the way i only remember because my sister made me something …… and we wanted to remember the birth of our children…

…Unfortunately God had other plans didn’t he…… the loss of one child has past already and that date will never be lost because it was my birthday…. and now i have another date to remember ….. 4/20/05…… we all know what this friday holds. So forgive my silence… forgive my tears… and just know that i am doing the best i can this year…

Tonight a friend asked “is it hard to watch as the rest of us go on with our lives?”… I am sitting here now as i did then, trying to come up with the answer that is on the tip of my tongue… because i have more than one. NO, it is not hard to watch the people that i love grow more and more in love with each other…. and watch their children grow… and yes it breaks my heart that my husband is missing it… I pick up my cell phone 100x a day to ask him a question or tell him something about his son.

……and then i drop it because a policeman is driving by hahaha

I love watching the all of you… and yes it hard… but one day i will get that again… and until then, i have all of you… and i love you for that…

This is kind of follows that last one…

I went out this morning for my usual walk on the beach. I reach in to grab my ipod so that i can turn it on full blast and drown out everything around me… i get it all strapped on my arm, my keyes put away, sunglasses on, alarm set… ready to go. Ipod on… noooooooo!!!! the battery is totally dead. What the bleep bleep bleep? .. hahahaha (family blog) Now what am i going to do? I walk for at least an hour and today i was adding millage?! So, i oh so carefully tear it off (smile) and throw it in the car and just strap my phone to my arm instead. hahahahahha You KNOW that i do not go anywhere without THAT! After a little while walking i call my girlfriend to see if she wants to join me, she can’t, but we continue to chat… what else am i gonna do? (smile) Anyway, i get under the pier and this man, looking a little lost and holding a cane that i can barely see, starts talking to anyone that will listen. I tell my friend to hang on a sec to hear this man to find out that he does in fact need help…. he is blind and is looking for the pier?! I hang up my oh so important call and walk over to meet the sweetest man EVER. He was staying at the Crown Plaza and they directed him towards the pier… he knew that he was close but had not realized that he was under it. So we exchanged names and i walked him over to the stairs… SUCH a nice man… ok… we went our seperate ways.. he to the pier and me on my walk… on my way back, i could not get him out of my head. So i decided to go up on and see if he was still there. He was. He was sitting on one of the benches, reading. I sat down with him for a while and we talked. His wife was in conferences for the day, so he is the lucky one to enjoy walking and reading on our beachfront. They are from New Mexico, so you can imagine the weather difference.

After we said our good-byes, and i was left with my thoughts. I just smiled with the memory of his kind face and the knowledge that if i had my ipod on… there is NO WAY that i would have heard him. I would like to think that i would have been aware enough to acknowledge him… but i really don’t know…. sometimes i think new growth starts on sundays when you are reminded that it is needed and it is reinforced when you least expect it… like the next day (smile)

i love you all
have a good night…

There is something that Greg was talking about last night that …. well, i felt as if he was talking directly to ME. Don’t we all i guess when we know that we are not ‘right’ on our walks with God. ….. I have not been ‘right’ on mine for some time to be honest. I swear Greg was talking to me directly the entire service. It was as if his eyes were burning a whole right through me….
What did he say?? “allow ourselves to face ourselves… to be stripped” … now that is a scary thought. Who wants to honestly look at themselves in the mirror. I KNOW what will be looking back at me! God may forgive me… but have I forgiven myself?? That is the hardest thing to face… and i avoid it like the plague. I can forgive anyone for anything and have done so, rectently for that matter… but to do it for myself is a whole different story…

Oh yes, and “Who are we dependent on?” “do we trust bread alone?”…. “do not forget that it is my ‘presence’ that provides”… i think that i was beginning to forget that. The permanence of things setting in… my frustrations with life taking a hold of me and i was …… failing. Yep, i think that is the right word. I just allowed it all to get to me and … well i was failing…

The last part of it.. “will we abandon?” he equated that to impatience. Not waiting on God or the process… That is exactly what my struggle is right now. It is not that i need to know his plan… but i feel as though i have already been given the best that i am going to get in life… I was given my husband.. how can i expect to get better than that? ….. so i stop asking for things that can not come to pass…. which leads to not talking at all, which leads to …. failing… until you are reminded of what that means… until you are reminded that there is new growth in there just waiting to form…. that God never left… i just closed my eyes for a while….

I had the BEST weekend EVER!!! I truly mean it too. I went out on Friday night with 9 or 10 ladies… dinner and dancing all night. I have not laughed that hard in a very long time. (smile) Then on Saturday i had dinner with a few people in Santa Barbara and met up with a few more for drinks etc when we were done. …… SUCH a good night.

I got to go to Magic Mtn with my sister and her family yesterday. I have not been there in soooo long. I forgot how much fun roller coasters are. …. the only bummer was that my boy’s head started hurting him. “on the inside mommy” a few hours later he was screaming and he had a fever…. and… well, it sucked. All night he was crying and then his ear started hurting. …. he was so hot that it hurt to touch him!! We went to the doctor today. Can they do anything for his headache or his ear?? NO!! It is viral. We have to let it run its course. In the meantime, Gav is balling and holding his head, changing ice packs as if he were me. … poor little guy.

Anyway, my birthday was great and my boy is perfect. We just need a little rest.

ok, i am getting more brave with this whole ‘computer’ thing. I guess and fumble through most of what i do and HOPE that i do not delete an entire program or something (smile)

I like that i can change the ‘look’ of the site at the push of the button. And ever since Ali told me I could put Flickr on here, I have been playing around trying to figure that one out. This morning i saw some ‘bookmark’ thing and checked it out…. guess what? It put Flickr off to the side. YEAH!! Now i just have to get my but in gear and update Flickr! hahaha

I am telling you. My husband is sooo proud right now. I have been trouble shooting computer problems all week… I am not going to tell you the most extreme BLONDE moment of my life… but the person that ended up helping me…he and i will be laughing about that one for some time to come, I am quite sure.

I still can not get my Firefox icon at the bottom of the screen (the bar at the botom) to go away. I guess Firefox updated and that icon is the old one. It has that stupid arrow under it, as if i am using it. It is driving me crazy. I can not open it or close it, nothing… I can NOT get it off of that bar! And i am not going to put the new one there until i can get that old one gone… stubborn, i know. But i am on a mission now and i need to figure it out.

I am sick and disturbed. I know it. But this is why you all love me.. (smile) …. and yes, this is what i do when i can not sleep at 3 or 4 in the morning. Another reason why my grammar sucks. I am so pickin’ tired that i never re-read my text until a few days later.. i look at it and think WHAT??? I can not even follow my own thoughts… how does anyone else? I can not even write a complete sentence.. hahahaha ahhhhh the edit button, another friend of mine. (smile) OK, I am weird. I know it!! Love you guys.. done rambling…